Home Alone 2

From Sunday DLW will be away for a while (on family business), possibly up to three weeks, during which time I shall be home alone. This is unfortunate for a couple of reasons:

  1. Sara will be away for her birthday. I had been getting a bit over-keen on the idea that we should have a short break away together — perhaps getting this visit out of the way will mean she feels she has more time for relaxing. I have presents to send her away with and presents for when she returns. I can make sure I am ready to receive her back lovingly.
  2. Three weeks is a lot of evenings alone in the house for me to succumb to weakness. Unlike last time I don’t have any plans in that direction. In fact, it was much harder than I’d expected to get back on the wagon afterwards, so I’d quite like to stay clean this time. That would be an achievement I think, if I managed to keep my eyes off and my hands off all that time.

I shan’t be taking time off work, but what I shall be scheduling daily yoga and prayer time, including both spoken and written prayer. I’ll stick to those schedules whatever else happens.

Ugh, …, opening a way through

In those last two posts I sounded like a whiny spoilt teenager. They are now “private” but I can bring them back if there’s demand.

The “remorse” phase was starting to creep in yesterday even while I was handing over the cash. I worked hard yesterday (as well as “playing” hard) and after a long miserable phone call with my wife W I realised I was utterly exhausted. The phone conversation didn’t cause the exhaustion, though some realisations I made during it hammered the remorse and the exhaustion home. Real exhaustion is a strange full body feeling. I crawled into bed as soon as I put the phone down — I made some decisions first — and let the realisations sink in and work themselves out.


  • W is lonely.
  • I have to throw out all that stuff I bought, all #110-worth — before I get on the train back home.


  • Self-care is important. Real self-care must (a) be really care for self, not indulgence or “giving in”; (b) include care for the bodies of which I am a part.
  • I have been hiding away some of the parts of me that W likes, that attracted W in the first place (e.g., sensuality, not-being-like-other-men, especially-men-of-her-generation).

I worry about ending like this (like that!) again. I must:

  • Turn the yoga/running/cycling up to 11 — not to tire myself out, but to place my sensuality in the public space (I mean “not secret”) (I would include wine, whisky, and delicious food in the sensuality category but W is less interested in all that nowadays).
  • Encourage a shared sensuality with W. Establish a shared sensuality. This is probably the most important local peak.
  • Nip this weirdness in the bud if/when it arises again. I don’t feel any more it is a special central part of me. It was a very early development in me to be sure, but I feel now it was an infection of the world. I think gender and fetishes are devil work that blind people, or blinker them, box them in, tie them to anti-human structures.
  • I really mean nip it in the bud. I think a blast of strong porn (as a means to an end) would be preferable. I don’t want to lean on porn, but if a foghorn through the system is what it takes so be it.
  • Have a strong, rejoicing sense of myself in Jesus (that is part of my current reading of Ephesians, in Beth’s Worthy Reading Group on FB). I am a genius, I have special insight (so does everyone else) — that sounds proud perhaps but I don’t feel it is. I don’t feel proud. I want to rejoice myself, and feel I can do that and be humble at the same time. Key is (a) rejoicing other people too; (b) rejoicing myself as part of something bigger and more worthy of rejoice — i.e., Jesus. Feeling myself as part of the body of Christ is a wonderful joy.

Lust for wife

This will not come as a surprise to readers, but it was a surprise to me.

Since “putting away childish things”, I have recently been having lustful feelings about my wife!

Without really trying, I have been more physically affectionate, and perhaps even forward — a couple of times she has said (good-naturedly), “put me down”. I have caught my eye wandering over her body in a new way (or, at least, a way it hasn’t wandering for many years). A couple of times I have even found myself having sexual fantasies about her.

My wife has noticed some of this, and doesn’t seem to mind that much (“put me down”).

For my part it’s pathetically exciting and feels like strange new territory. I don’t want the moment to pass and fade; on the other hand I don’t want to fumble and drop it.

How can I be a good husband?

How can I be a good husband to my wife? (Not that I am a complete disaster of a husband at the moment.)

When I am with her I should listen to her, look at her. When I speak I should use her name as well as endearments.

When I am up first in the morning, I should think of her and prepare for her presence. When I am returning from work at night, I should think of her and prepare to meet her.

Every night I should pray about her. Having someone to pray about has been a good reminder to pray. I like the idea of thinking about my wife with my “prayer mind” as I fall asleep.

I should remember that she loves me, she loves me, she loves particular things about me. I should remember that she looks to me for support and love. I should take pleasure in giving her love and support.

Jesus is inside her and when she speaks to me, Jesus speaks to me. Loving and supporting my wife is loving and supporting Jesus.

I am a body. My wife is a body. We make a body together. I want to strengthen all of those bodies, so they can be vibrant and flourish.

I lust for my wife. I enjoy her, and she enjoys my attention (or she used to, …). I should train my lust on my wife. I should find good ways to show her my desire for her. I should give her all the love and support and comfort and space she wants. My lust is to find her desire, to fan her desire, and to become her desire.

New goals

This might be premature, but I feel as if I am in a new phase of my journey. I seem to have broken the bad habits that triggered this persona and this blog in 2013. At least, I feel ready to aim at some new goals, and to orient this persona and this blog around them.

I have three largish goals I’d like to aim for. They are more like states of affairs than events.

  1. Be a good husband (and father)
  2. “Come out” as Christian
  3. Have sex with my wife

The first has to be achieved before the other two I think.

I’d like to achieve the first goal this year, and then aim to achieve the other two in 2018.

By being a good husband I mean being a source of stability and strength for my wife. Also a source of good vibes and happiness of course, and a source of feelings of calm and safety. I want to establish that before demanding special treatment or “recognition” (2) or special favours (3).

I don’t quite know what I mean by “coming out” as a Christian. It might mean “declaring myself” to my wife. It probably does mean going to a church semi-regularly, and meeting other Christians In Real Life.

Two pivots. Pivot 2: up (I hope)

*** Jan 2016: London again

January 2016 I was down in London again, this time to meet an exciting potential new client.

(although the meeting went well, it doesn’t look like we will work together: they were ostensibly looking for a specialist contractor, but they were really looking for a new in-house generalist. We’ll see.)

After the meeting I was going to spend a couple of nights with my mother-in-law (who is 90: fairly healthy, but I generally stay over if I’m anywhere near).

I’d been in this slough of despond for two months. I wanted to pivot up again. I didn’t set myself any targets — other than performing well at the meeting, and having a nice time with my M-i-L — but I wanted this short stay away to swing me up again, into most of all a stronger more positive outlook.

I felt so done in I wanted to pamper myself. On the way down I was wearing knickers and I changed into a bra on the train. The first thing I did after checking in to my hotel was to go shopping: a new bra & panty set from Marks & Spencers, and three pairs of knickers from Boux Avenue. I even went out for dinner still wearing my bra under my shirt.

Perhaps that doesn’t sound too good, but I had an early night, and in terms of pampering it worked very well. I was confident and relaxed with the potential client, and visit with M-i-L also went well.

Staying with M-i-L for a few days was also a very good opportunity to ponder on my work generally, and to prepare for my upswing.

I was expecting to be trying out all my new knickers while I was there but as it turned out I was too tense waiting to hear from this company.

*** Now

That was a couple of weeks ago. How is the upswing going?

I think the pivot idea was a good one and the upswing is happening. Realising to myself that it is not all about me and my own bad habits was important. My wife, and our son, and the state of my business are all affecting me. This swing is not just “up” but also “out”: as well as them affecting me, I can affect them.

So I am going to write more about my Real Life here — including my work (no maths I promise). Apologies in advance for some dreary blog posts.

I will probably write more about dressing up too. Not just out of bravado or angst. It is part of me and it does comfort me (and I just enjoy it). When I leave this behind it will have to be done right and for the right reasons.

Other news:

  • Porn doesn’t seem to be a problem at the moment — in that I rarely look at it.
  • After returning from London I started reading “Wearing God” by Lauren F. Winner, and I’ve just finished it. It is a lovely book and it was just what I needed to read. I am sure it helped me pull myself together again. I’ll post a review shortly. After reading it I have started praying regularly again.

Two pivots. Pivot 1: down

“Pivot” might be my word for 2016 — or at least for part of it.

*** Nov 2015

Beginning of November last year was a sudden strong down pivot.

I was in London for a few days at a conference for work, staying at a hotel. In September and October I was full of the joys of holiness. I had finished my second read-through of the Psalms, and I was looking forward to spending these London evenings praying, reading Christian blogs, and choosing Psalms for a little booklet.

It didn’t work out like that. On the train down I wore my favourite white bra & panties. After checking into my hotel I went out shopping. I went to Debenhams and bought their J by Jasper Conran Purple satin long nightdress, and then I went to Ann Summers and bought their satin & lace Lena teddy.

The conference was exciting and inspiring but also challenging and tiring (I wasn’t presenting but I did a lot of high-level mingling and networking). I spent the evening dressed up in the teddy rolling around with myself, and I slept snugged up in the nightie.

I can’t pretend I didn’t enjoy it either.

The whole thing was like a holiday for me (apart from the weather).

However, once back home, I soon fell into a kind of despair — that things would never change, apart from getting worse.

I should stress this despair was not just (or even primarily) about too much dressing up. There are three elephants haunting this blog that I haven’t much mentioned so far:

  • My work is very precarious (I’m a self-employed computer programmer/statistician). I have been very lucky so far, but over the last year or so I have become increasingly conscious of the need to give my business a solid foundation.
  • In the autumn of 2014, and into 2015, our son had a series of minor illnesses, culminating in an attack of something like glandular fever, and followed by an extended period of intense fatigue — from which which he’s still recovering. His school was far from supportive and we are now teaching him at home (he’s 15).
  • In the spring of 2015 my wife’s closest uncle died. This was very upsetting for her. She was also his executor, and spent a fair amount of time wrapping up his estate. This had various impacts on the family, her work and her health.

*** Christmas 2015

We had a very quiet and tender Christmas looking after each other.

I read a nice little book about Christmas Carols. I seem to enjoy being in this space, at any level.

*** Next

Pivot 2: up

Bad habits update

A quick review of the situation and next steps.

Recall my bad habits are:

  • watching porn
  • looking at women
  • wearing ladies underwear

Watching porn

This is going very well.

*** “Lesbians” only

In the middle of July I put myself on a “lesbians only” porn regime. I grant that this will probably not impress many of my readers here, but I think it’s worth noting. I was finding straight hardcore porn too rough and mechanical. I stuck to the regime, and I enjoyed it a lot.

Anyway, the point here is that it was a kind of “diet” where I was making and sticking to a commitment — small as it was — to avoid certain sights — and fantasies actually: my idle sexual fantasy life just about evaporated (at least its porn incarnation).

*** No porn at all

On 18th August I read Trusting God with My Marriage, a guest post by Robi of Hopeful Wife Today, about discovering her husband’s porn habit affected her marriage, and what they have been doing since. I thought it was a very powerful post. I was moved to comment, and I’ve been reading her own blog as well.

I have not looked at any porn since that day! And I’m not really missing it.

Looking at women

This is the thing I’m most struggling with now. I have good days and I have bad days. Really I am disgusted with myself. This needs a special post to itself.

Wearing ladies underwear

I have more or less given myself up to this. I enjoy it so much and it is such a comfort. I’m not travelling on business very much at the moment, and Wife and Son are rarely away together, so I don’t have much opportunity.

I cycle to work quite early and shower at work. After shower slipping into panties and bra is so nice. I wear the bra for half an hour or so as long as I think it’s safe.

The “no porn” could probably be qualified, as most days I will have at least a quick look at some lingerie sections of online department stores. I’d like to cut that out, especially as I’m not going to be buying any more any time soon.

Next steps

I want to write more here about these bad habits. Reading Robi’s post was very helpful for me.

Shortly after starting my “lesbians only” regime I started a new blog, thinking I would write there about these things, but I don’t thing a separate blog would be a good idea: it would probably end up as too much of a “celebration” of the bad habits.

I worry that I might alienate the few readers I have. However, I think this is the right venue to tackle these issues.

Part of tackling these issues will be writing more often about my wife.

So, I am going to try and writing something every week (writing will not be elegant). I’ll try and rotate topics: my bad habits; my wife; reading; being a Christian.

Some things I love about my wife

A lady called Ngina Otiende has an excellent blog called Intentional Today. She recently posted My Husband Cares, Just Differently with five tips or challenges to help notice or rekindle love for your spouse. They are tips I want to remember every day, especially I liked #1, #2 and #5.

Every day I want to:

  • 1. Notice two things my wife is doing to show her love and care.
  • 2. Voice my appreciation, and “cultivate a thankful spirit
  • 5. Remember joy comes from the Lord.

    Remember that your husband is not your source of happiness. Joy is a choice and it comes from the Lord.

For #1 Ngina linked to a list of “29 Reasons I Love My Husband” so I thought I’d do one. I couldn’t manage 29 reasons I’m afraid :( but it’s a start perhaps.

** Some things I love about my wife

  • She has a very impressive presence.
  • She has a sexy hourglass figure.
  • She buys eye-wateringly expensive bras.
  • Occasionally (rarely), when something catches her right, she has a wonderful smile that makes her look about 13.
  • One of the first things that attracted me: her left-wing politics was forged in the tough early 70s. We instantly agreed on so many things.
  • She is scarily good at finding things out. Especially about people!
  • She has a strong moral sense which, like mine, acts as an imperative force. In many ways hers is superior to mine.
  • She takes on a lot, and is under a lot of pressure, and I want to make things better for her.