All posts in category praying

Lonely

I think I am lonely. This might be completely obvious to readers of the blog (and perhaps to people I meet IRL). It is only just dawning on me.

It feels like a cousin of boredom, a kind of boredom directed inwards. A restlessness, aimlessness, valuelessness inside. Possibly a result of outward boredom: finding nothing of value in the objects of my activity, that lack of value is reflected within. I don’t feel lonely when I’m not bored.

Except when I experience joy — inspiration, success, fulfilment, discovery — and want to share it. Outside of narrow domains (work colleagues will share relevant joys), there is nobody.

My wife is generally not interested in, or is even antagonistic to, many of the things that excite me. I have to think three times before sharing anything in that direction — and indeed I am always on the lookout for things I can and should share — that makes the whole exercise more instrumental and less spontaneous.

I think that loneliness is (at least partly) what drives me to porn. Pretty women smiling at me and welcoming me in the 1980s/90s “top-shelf” softcore images I’ve started browsing (nostalgia in there too of course). Women being bent to my will in the more modern hardcore videos I watch (all mainstream stuff I stress!). Loneliness brings yearning and self-pity and a confusion of darker emotions.

I think loneliness is (at least partly) behind my twitter “addiction”. Searching for a glimpse of a kindred spirit.

Realising this has reduced the tidal pull, although it hasn’t removed the urge completely.

So, what to do about it? What to do about it “as a Christian”?

Boredom and loneliness could easily be described as sins. As well as their superficial sinfulness (There’s plenty to be done! There are plenty of people to befriend!), boredom and loneliness — like shame — lead only to a weakening of the spirit. Indulging loneliness — with porn or social media — doesn’t cure it or lead anywhere. There’s a brief wave of superficial excitement — at best — then less than nothing.

Loneliness is not a “natural” response to … anything. Like shame: I shouldn’t succumb to shame, not because I haven’t done anything shameful — I have, but because Jesus loves and values me, and my sins are washed away in His love. [I should take Baptism more seriously.]

I don’t need to be lonely — even if I “have no friends” (not quite true) — because I have Jesus with me — and sometimes I do feel that. I can tell Jesus the exciting things I discover or read in prayer or in my diary.

Most of all I can learn to love myself and celebrate myself in the way that Jesus loves me. Jesus treasures me for a reason, and He wants to see me grow and thrive.

If I love myself, celebrate myself, enjoy myself — truly, in the way that Jesus loves me — then I thrive, become stronger, fuller of joy, and my love will be stronger, more joyful.

So I will cultivate this garden:

I have bought a new Moleskine. I’ll write down the Psalms & other Scriptures I’ve learnt & am learning (& other poems — Shakespeare, Hopkins, …). I’m writing down prayer commitments to cultivate an intentional prayer life too.
Love others by loving myself: do something every day that increases my power.
Love myself by loving others: serve well, acknowledge the gratitude, and offer it up to God (this morning: getting my 94-yr-old M-i-L into her pressure stockings after she didn’t trust the nurse).
Root out the weeds … [that stings like James 4:8b stings]
Recognise the weeds as weeds — attractive but draining and invasive. Yes, invasive.
Hopkins said immortal diamond. Invest in and treasure that gem which is my immortal soul.

2 Comments

by David on 2019-09-29 • Permalink

Posted in me, pornography, praying

Posted by David on 2019-09-29

https://lukesgospel739.wordpress.com/2019/09/29/lonely/

Ha!

When I really want something, I pray. That must mean something.

And last night’s prayer was answered — my request granted — this morning.

Rather than promise to sacrifice the first thing that meets me when I get home from work, I promised to finish reading the Bible — so I shall start on Job tonight.

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by David on 2019-02-20 • Permalink

Posted in praying

Posted by David on 2019-02-20

https://lukesgospel739.wordpress.com/2019/02/20/ha/

2018

The main thing about 2018 was that God answered my prayers. Boring prayers about money and work that I don’t talk about here. God answered these prayers in the summer with a new job, and I experienced it as God answering my prayers. I don’t mean intellectually or after reflection — I just knew. On reflection, I thought this was exactly the kind of answer the Lord would give. It’s a challenge as much as a gift, a gift I have to work to receive, it’s also a very good fit for me. That has definitely made e feel closer to God in an almost visceral sense.

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by David on 2019-01-05 • Permalink

Posted in praying

Posted by David on 2019-01-05

https://lukesgospel739.wordpress.com/2019/01/05/2018/

Not a challenge but a gift

Out of the blue a potential client has appeared, and all of a sudden it looks like I might win an important, big (for me) contract. The work is technically interesting, and very well-paid, and the company is nice.

Hard on the heels of elation comes anxiety and insecurity — the work will be difficult and there’ll be a lot of it: will I measure up? There’ll be younger zippier people on the team (without families to look after! Better looking!). Piles of unironed clothes and unwasked dishes surround me — and it’s my turn to cook the dinner.

Now I’m in the mood for shelter, it occurs to me that the work will involve semi-regular short periods away — long dormant demons begin to stir.

I need a way to snap myself out of this downward spiral.

What is certain? God has made this happen to me.

The thought of this client as a challenge from God gave me a bit of a boost, but ramped up the anxiety too: could I measure up to a challenge from God? Better, I thought of it as a gift.

How can I think of this as a gift from God?
How can I respond appropriately to this gift?

1. It will be a financial blessing certainly, and we are struggling financially at the moment. I could even say this is an answer to my prayers over money worries. The work will be interesting, in a new area I need to get to know better; it will tone up skills that have been lying fallow for a while. It will enable me to simplify my work life: I’ll be able to jettison a time-wasting client, and be more assertive with another; I shan’t have to scrabble around after contracts.

2. Say thank you: pray thank you to my Lord for this gift. Look forward to enjoying the work. Think back to similar challenges in the past that turned out to be gifts. Enjoy and give thanks during the work too.

Do you know relevant Scripture or other reading that can help with work anxiety and insecurity?

What are your favourite Thank You psalms or prayers from the Bible?

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by David on 2018-07-16 • Permalink

Posted in me, praying, questions

Posted by David on 2018-07-16

https://lukesgospel739.wordpress.com/2018/07/16/not-a-challenge-but-a-gift/

Mission

I’ve just spent a few days in the frozen wastes of the north with my father. He is getting on (in his 70s) and I stay with him every couple of months. I had this idea after his wife (my mother) died in 2013. I want to make sure he’s well, keep him company, make sure he knows I’m available if he needs help, be ready if/when anything crops up. At first he was not keen, but it seems to have grown on him.

We can be a bit of a scratchy family (I have a sister too), but nothing outside a standard deviation from the mean. However, generally, after a couple of days in his company, I have had enough.

Visits have been getting better gradually this year, but this latest visit went especially well.

What went well?

We had a couple of trips out scheduled, so I suggested I could stay an extra day. In the end he pulled out of one of the trips, but I did stay the extra day. I managed to stay the extra day without losing my temper with him or secretly pulling my hair out.

I was disappointed early on. The failed trip out. Also, I had wanted to discuss some admin/finance matters with him, but because my work has been very hectic recently I hadn’t prepared fully, so I had to drop that as well. So I felt I had nothing “to do” while I was there. A wasted trip.

Perhaps that made me feel I had plenty of time. We did very little, and just had a peaceful time together. We watched old TV comedies on DVD, played with his dog, chatted a little. I got up and went to bed early, and provided food at mealtimes (just supermarket ready meals, but quite nice ones), did a bit of cleaning.

Towards the end of my visit, Dad had more colour in his cheeks, was more cheerful, less fretful, and explicitly grateful for my company.

Why did it go well?

I think the early failures were a blessing in disguise. I didn’t have goals I wanted to achieve — which were actually distractions from the better work I could be doing.

The extra day was an extra day of food and regular sleep. It was also an extra day for me (and him) to see the benefits of my actions.

I think I attended to him very closely. Not because I was concentrating, and not entirely because I felt there was time. I was calmer, less directing or interfering. Looking back, my interventions were kind of pre-emptive: e.g. I got the food ready before we were hungry and put it out at just the right time.

With my secular hat on I would say: things have been improving over the last year, and on this visit they crossed a threshold so I noticed; I had the time to see the positive effect I was having and that gave me a boost too.

I also had the luxury of praying every morning when I woke up, and every night at bedtime. I had Mere Christianity with me (which I seem to be re-reading perpetually). I was reading scripture every day. I was writing in my diary every day. So, I was looking after myself in that sense.

I was never distracted or tempted (apart from at a train station on the way up, but that’s another story for another day).

Conclusions & next steps

I crossed another threshold during that visit. I am starting to see the benefit of accepting Jesus, and of spending so much time in His arms. On the way back home I went to a church and prayed thanks to God for His presence and the gift of the visit: on Dad and on me.

This long year — since my Total Purge last August — I have been concentrating on fighting my demons and overcoming bad habits. I’m sure those struggles will continue.

During Advent I am practicising the other side: giving thanks, adoration of God, rejoicing in and enjoying my new-found life. I hope to focus on these things here on the blog more next year.

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by David on 2017-12-08 • Permalink

Posted in Advent, me, praying

Posted by David on 2017-12-08

https://lukesgospel739.wordpress.com/2017/12/08/mission/

John 3:19,20

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by David on 2017-12-06 • Image • Permalink

Posted in Advent, John, praying

Posted by David on 2017-12-06

https://lukesgospel739.wordpress.com/2017/12/06/john-3-19-20/

“… that I might be saved through Him”

God did not send Jesus to condemn me. God has put Jesus inside me. His Son. He has filled me with the Spirit. He did not fill me with the Spirit as a condemning voice, to put me down.

God loves me and fills me with His love. The Lord yearns for me to be His — and now I yearn and push to be His too.

Thank you Lord for your love and your strength.

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by David on 2017-12-03 • Permalink

Posted in Advent, John, praying

Posted by David on 2017-12-03

https://lukesgospel739.wordpress.com/2017/12/03/i-might-be-saved-through-jesus/

Dear Lord

This song is actually by John Coltrane, but I prefer Marilyn Crispell’s version. Here is John Coltrane:

Crispell’s reading is a constant yearning and opening. Coltrane’s, lovely as it is, is a jazz tune.

“Dear Lord” is the phrase I use to open a prayer. Sometimes just getting myself calm, clasping my hands into a heart, and saying “Dear Lord” can bring that peaceful prayer feeling on me. Praying is a treat. I do feel selfish giving myself that time. But it has a positive effect on me: it calms me and strengthens me, it helps me love my wife and our son. The nearer I am to prayer, the less snarled up in myself I am.

As any readers will know, I am a creature of habit. I always go to the same restaurants, order the same dishes, even sit at the same tables. I have set myself two prayer times: bedtime, and a short quiet time when I arrive at work (I cycle to work and arrive very early to miss the rush hour traffic).

I realised recently that this might be stopping me from praying at other times, or from praying “on the spur of the moment”. I’ve done two things to nudge me towards prayer outside of my set times.

By chance I finished my diary notebook and have started a new one. I decided that this new diary would be in a New Style. I have been keeping a diary for much longer than I have been a Christian, and that new side of me didn’t show up in the diary very much. In this new diary I am mixing prayers and Bible readings with old-style diary entries, and I am talking to God, and listening to God much more in those pages. I keep this notebook with me and write in it often.
I have downloaded the Universalis Daily Hours app onto my phone. This pings automatically at times throughout the day, and suggests Psalms, readings, prayers and hymns. It reminds me to make contact, pulls me out of me work, and brings prayer into my day.

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by David on 2017-07-10 • Permalink

Posted in praying

Posted by David on 2017-07-10

https://lukesgospel739.wordpress.com/2017/07/10/dear-lord/

Another Church

At my bedtime prayer last night I felt I’d had a good day and was thankful to the Lord. I couldn’t think why the day felt so blessed, so I traced back over what I’d done. A reasonable day: ups and downs, but nothing special. A couple of points to be ashamed of. In the end I did find something.

I was in town to do some errands. I arrived at the library five minutes before it opened. Usual practice would be to go to one of my usual cafes, get a coffee, write some diary and watch the world go by (actually just the babes and milfs). The weather was exactly right. However, I dithered, I wandered, undecided without knowing it, like Buridan’s ass.

I found myself at a church. It was open but quiet. I walked around for a bit enjoying the atmosphere. I found a pew and sat down and prayed. Not for anything special. Not my bedtime prayer or my morning quiet time prayer, an extra unscheduled prayer. Sat calmly for a while. Made a donation. Left and got on with my day.

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by David on 2017-04-26 • Permalink

Posted in me, praying

Posted by David on 2017-04-26

https://lukesgospel739.wordpress.com/2017/04/26/another-church/

confirmation

I had a work meeting in County Town and I decided that while I was in town I would find time to go and pray in a church. This would be a first for me.

Aside:

I have been trying to establish a habit of daily prayer, with intermittent success. However, on 8th March I decided that I would say a special prayer daily for a friend. Among other things, this desire to pray specifically has reminded me to pray at all, and after saying my special prayer for the friend, I go on to say my “normal” prayer. So now I am safely praying every day (at bedtime, or at my morning quiet time when I arrive at work, or both).

The cathedral where I was planning to pray is a bit of a tourist trap and they have a greeter on the door doing triage. When I arrive the greeter asked brightly “Are you visiting?” and I said sheepishly that I was coming in to pray. Because the cathedral is such a tourist trap they have special areas set aside for private prayer (they do do normal services there too, it is a functioning church), and the greeter described the way to get to the chapel: in a corner, up a stone spiral staircase, …

(click for bigger pics!)

I realised I had no idea what to do. I lit a candle as a way of starting. I knelt on that little red cushion. I said my prayer out loud.

Praying like this — aloud, so I could hear my own voice; in public; in such a place; and of course for the first time in my life — was a powerful experience. I asked myself later why I didn’t pray my “normal” daily prayer or even a special prayer for myself. Perhaps I didn’t want to unleash too much emotion.

There was nobody else in the chapel while I was there. Mid-prayer I did hear footsteps come up the stair and into the room, shift about and then leave. Perhaps security or a stray tourist. I didn’t turn round to see and I kept praying. So — a complete unknown stranger saw and heard me praying!

A couple more pics of around the cathedral:

On the way out I thanked the greeter and we talked about what went on at the church. It became clear that I knew little about services, whether Easter Saturday was a special day, etc., and I found myself saying, “I’ve only recently got into all this”. I don’t know why I didn’t say something like, “I’ve only recently become a Christian”.

Samuel

Walking around the cathedral afterwards, I came across two pleasant surprises from Samuel. Firstly this mural of 2 Samuel 18:33

Then the gift shop had a copy of Straight to the Heart of 1&2 Samuel by Phil Moore (I’ve linked the Amazon page as it has a “look inside”; there’s also the author’s home page).

I bought the book obvs, and I am enjoying reading it.

Confirmation

Also in the gift shop I bought this Confirmation card:

I don’t know what “Confirmation” is in the Church of England, but coming here and praying felt like a confirmation (with a small ‘c’) and another step towards a real confirmation.

I know that real confirmation will involve “coming out of the closet” to my wife about being a Christian, and finding a local group to join.

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by David on 2017-04-19 • Permalink

Posted in 1 Samuel, me, praying

Posted by David on 2017-04-19

https://lukesgospel739.wordpress.com/2017/04/19/confirmation/

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