Angels of the Id #porn

DLW is away, has been away since before Christmas (I accompanied her on her mission over Christmas), and will probably be away until February. When there is no work the next day, I am staying up very late. Partly, I seem to get a “second wind” as tiredness from the day wears off. Partly, I am sure the … reluctance to go to bed … is a kind of subconsciously avoiding porn, until I am too tired to want it.

The evening fills up with household chores & minor activities, one at a time, my desire to watch one of these long porn vids I have set aside always there in the background, always rising to the surface, but never quite getting there.

Often my desire starts the day explicit and firm — a plan to spend the evening — but as the evening arrives, that demon’s voice is hidden by other more civilised voices. I want to …

  • play a game of chess
  • tidy away that laundry
  • do a language lesson
  • wrap that present for Sara
  • find out about this poet/singer

I can’t say my desire for porn has decreased, it’s just that it has competition. Unfortunately, it’s a competition that rages, quietly, into the small hours.

Word of the Year 2022: Face

Using ‘face (v.)’ as a gloss for “turn to” (ἐπιστρέφω epistrephó) in these two verses:

1 Thessalonians 1:9 “… you turned to God from idols …”

Acts 26:20 “… repent and turn to God …”

The emphasis being my effort to turn towards good things (& celebrate successes, however minor) rather than my efforts to turn away from bad things (& beat myself up for failures).

‘face (v.)’ brings ‘face (n.)’ for free. In my prayers and in my approach to Christ that is something I neglect — simple adoration of His face (meanwhile my attachment to porn is a kind of adoration, worship of faces, surfaces). I’d like to address that neglect, and spend time somehow in adoration of Christ and the face of God.

My vague plan is to alternate — v, n, v, n, — month by month, with a more specific theme for each month. January’s theme is …

Casting my net wide / Clutching at straws

… finding easy things to turn to, in moments of boredom or rest — “downtime” — that are wholesome and nutritious (eg not porn, not doomscrolling twitter). More on this later, but some examples I am using so far:

  • a puzzle
  • a game of
  • a lesson on duolingo
  • a set prayer or scripture reading [lectionary]
  • a poem
  • a short chapter of easy reading