Review

I am publishing this post to:

• celebrate my successful Lenten fast
• take stock and plan next steps

I am impressed with myself that I got through more than forty days with no porn — so far 47 days and still going, and I am not planning to have a binge any time soon.

The other habits didn’t get any worse, but I didn’t manage to add them to the fast as I thought I might.

Findings

As noted in my previous post, I am feeling more emotionally tender. The lack of porn is exposing my need for affection. I need the “friendly faces” of the “pin-ups”, of the not-quite-porn.

I am also noticing — and responding positively to — my wife’s needs for affection. I don’t know how much potential is there but something might open up.

The biggest mood drain is twitter — just normal twitter use and its aimlessness.

What next?

• Re-instate the “twitter coin” rule: toss a coin first thing every morning: heads = twitter allowed today, and no twitter tomorrow; tails = no twitter today.
• keep up the “no actual porn” rule, but prepare some breaks. A planned break, with some structure (?) might be less harmful to the overall path than randomly running out of steam. Aim for a sustainable gradient.
• Notice and write about (here or in my diary):
  • any growing physical affection from S
  • my yearnings, what I do about them, and what effect that has
• Learn to pray about these things too. Write prayerfully.

I am publishing this post to:

• celebrate success so far
• guard against some weakening I’ve been feeling lately
• renew and tighten up my conviction

My Lenten fast this year is simple, or at least, simply put: “no porn”. Do not look at pornography. No more, and no less.

no less: “Do not look at pornography” should be an easy aim to follow, but in the last few years my longest breaks have lasted days only, so for me right now this — 48 days from Ash Wednesday to Easter Monday — is a significant stretch goal.

no more: If you’ve read the about page like you should have, you will know I have other linked bad habits I want to extricate myself from. My Lenten fast this year does not target these. “Do not look at pornography” does not include

• do not masturbate
• do not look at, eye up, or lust after women

So far (day 39) my fast has been completely successful. I have looked at zero porn since the beginning of Lent.

The weakening I’m feeling is not easy to describe. I’m not feeling urges to go look at porn. I think perhaps the weaknesses/frailties that make me more vulnerable/open to the attractions of porn are more exposed. Consequently, I find myself fishing around in the edges of things that are “not quite porn”. Consequently, I want to renew and reaffirm, and maybe even tighten up the goal (even though there’s only a few days left).

Findings

Focussing on the main goal, I’ve let those other bad habits find their own level. Predictably or not, they have been affected. I am masturbating about half as much as before. My looking and lusting hasn’t changed much. My sexual fantasising has changed.

When I’m immersed in porn, my fantasies are essentially collages of porn tableaux with situations and faces from my daily life. Away from porn, I am drifting into sexual fantasy almost as often, but the stories are more kissy dialogue and smiles.

Perhaps these fantasies are more directly addressing my need for companionship, with their loving gazes and caresses.

The “not-quite-porn” I’ve been reaching for in recent days has been (a) lingerie web sites (eg Jane Woolrich, Simone Perele), and (b) pics of smiley daytime TV presenters like Susanna Reid and Kate Garraway. Reaching for (b) especially after some blow-up or scratchiness from my wife Sara.

I’m not craving the “hard-core” porn videos that were such a staple and are so easy to access nowadays.

Last September I did an online quiz (Online Evaluation: Sexual Sin) which was very good and detailed. Some of the results were surprising but rang true. In particular it separated “soft” and “hard” pornography, and showed that my taste for soft porn was much stronger that that for hard porn. My experience this Lent bears that out. Their definitions were slightly different from mine, and their definition of “soft porn” would include what I call “not-quite-porn” above.

So for this last week of Lent I will include things like those lingerie web sites and celeb watch twitter accounts in my explicit ban.

How I continue after the Resurrection is a story for another time.