Confession

No doubt some of my readers predicted this.

** What is the point of confession?

I feel I should write this confession “for the record”, but (a) I don’t feel a great deal of remorse, guilt, disgust, etc., (b) I don’t want to “show off”. I’m not quite clear about what is the point of a confession.

I’m putting this bit first in case readers bail out early :D

What is the point of confession? The wikipedia page mentioned the acknowledgement of sins as sins (i.e., contrition), and penance. It mentioned three points: disclosure, contrition and satisfaction. It sounds almost like filling in forms.

It feels too mean to myself to condemn this as sin. Just describing it as sin adds to the punishment and anxiety that I’m running away from.

Who is the person wronged? “My wife” is the obvious answer. The idea of confessing all this to her horrifies me, and I can’t imagine what use it would be.

So, contrition and satisfaction, not yet. Any guidance on that appreciated.

But this at least is disclosure.

** What happened?

I have sunk back into my bad habit, which was dormant through 2014 — dormant until 24th May this year.

For a month or two I had been browsing the lingerie sections of department store websites (mainly my favourite, Marks & Spencer). I would even draw up little shopping lists. However, I’d been on several business trips and not taken up the opportunity/temptation to go shopping. During the same period I hadn’t looked at pornography at all — perhaps online ladies underwear shops had become my pornography, like when I was a kid.

Towards the end of May, various tensions and stresses were mounting up and I was increasingly “feeling the need” to give myself a treat. A business trip to London was coming up.

But would it be a treat? Would I just be wracked by disgust and guilt and remorse?

When I threw away my previous stash I’d kept a pair of pink cotton shorties — so I could test!

*** Sunday 24th May

The weekend before the trip I worked on the Sunday. Just before going off to lunch at a nearby bar I changed into the pink shorties. Just stepping into them released all the hoped for feelings of excitement and relaxation. I spent the rest of the day in them until going home.

*** Monday 25th May

First of four days away. I went down to London on the train, wearing the pink shorties. As I liked to do in the Old Days, I packed no boring male undies, planning to buy some nice knickers and wear only them for the duration. As soon as I’d unloaded my luggage at the hotel I went to Marks and Spencer’s and bought:

I wanted to buy the Floral Satin Long Nightdress but there weren’t any in stock.

After buying them I went to the menswear department and took a pair of men’s trousers into a fitting room so I could put on the Petra knickers and bra. I spent the rest of the day wearing them. Absolute bliss wearing a pretty bra!

(I’m wearing them again as I write.)

*** Tuesday 26th May

After a meeting in the morning I went into New Look, a kind of “cheap & cheerful” ladies clothes shop and bought:

I was very happy with all my purchases and, as planned, stayed in pretty knickers all week, only changing back once I’d arrived home.

*** Tuesday 2nd June

I spent a night away on another more local business trip. Again took no boring male underwear. At the office before setting off I changed into the knickers and bra.

Shopping again in Primark I bought a satin strappy nightie (they don’t have an online shop, but I found an unflattering photo of it here), and in Ann Summer’s I bought an Anal Training Kit (with lubricant and cleaner). Cringe!

The nightie was lovely to sleep in, and in the morning I wore the New Look Blue Lace Band Thong to the meeting.

** So!

It wouldn’t be a complete description of events if I didn’t say how much I enjoy wearing all these things. I don’t feel like I am trying to “act out a fantasy”, doomed to fail. Sensually they feel nice to wear. Giving myself this private, secret treat makes me feel a little bit special. Private means I don’t have to justify or explain it, and secret means no-one can take it away.

I feel like I have crossed a line. I am more or less back to where I was before I threw out my entire stash towards the end of 2013. Back wearing knickers, bras, and strappy nighties whenever possible.

** Why do I think it happened?

Everything I say here is going to sound like whingeing:

  • tensions and stressed and anxieties are piling up at work;
  • wife and son are both in bad ways of their own, requiring attention and effort. Certainly neither is in a fit state to offer emotional support;
  • I have no-one to turn to — no-one to pamper me, smooth away the daily grind.

The “spell” of the knickers is a secret private space that is just nice.

** How do I feel about it?

I spent a fair amount of money — nearly £100? — and I do feel guilty about that. However, I have used that feeling to look at my spending generally: I’ve spent a couple of hundred pounds on books already this year. I need to be more careful with money, fetish or no fetish.

** What am I going to do about it?

I don’t know.

I am not going to throw it all out. I have been stuck in a binge/purge cycle before and it is very unpleasant. At the same time, I am trying not to regret throwing out my stash at the end of 2013.

I am not going to punish myself for this weakness.

I am going to indulge when I want to (I know I don’t need to blog here about it every time :D). I find it interesting that it seems to have kept me away from pornography.

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