Temptation, and Lent

End of 2013 I decided I’d try to put my habit “to bed”. I have a little fetish diary where I log all the things I buy for it. One day soon after deciding to pack in I was pasting in a few last receipts. I totted up 2013 and it came to nearly £350. Over £300 in a year on frilly knickers, camisoles, nighties, bras, and various unmentionables. All of which were now in the bin. That was a bit of a shock.

In fairness to myself, 2013 was a bad year — my mother died and I had a very intense client — so I needed to pamper myself a bit, but … £350 is a lot of money to burn.

The shock confirmed my resolve and 2014 was entirely free.

Once new year had rolled around and we were safely into 2015 there came a calm reasonable civilised voice — “you took a break for a year, well done.” And, yes I’ve been browsing — especially when a potential new client entered the scene and I thought I might have “opportunity” (business trips to work with client).

… but then there was fear: might my dipping into sin drive away the client? Does God work like that? Does the devil? I don’t really believe in the devil anyway …

I’ve driven away the practice, but the need is still there, for the comfort that the fetish provided (i.e., the comfort that the fetish allowed me to give myself). (I am starting to find that comfort — somewhat — in the Bible and in the Christian writers I follow in cyberspace.) (but it’s a bit abstract isn’t it? it’s not entirely intellectual, but it’s not like the real physical hug that you get from your favourite knickers, a reminder of how special you are.)

As well as the fear, I’m conscious that buying just one pair of knickers is not just a step backwards, but a step away from how I’m trying to think of myself, how I’m trying to rebuild myself. This rebuilding is not demolition or tearing away, it’s starting again from what I hold dearest.

At the same time I don’t want to be repulsed by “all that”. That would be too easy and would throw out a lot that should be kept (… perhaps in a different form).

So, lot’s of conflicting feelings. Should I post about it here? Or am I just showing off about wearing frillies. Maybe I should just post a selfie.

Then I read LisaNotes’ post about Lent.

Lent starts today.

Oh.

and he was in the wilderness forty days, being tempted by Satan. He was with the wild animals, and angels attended him.

Advertisements
Leave a comment

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

  •  

  •  

  •