And the word of the year is …


(it was going to be “poetry” but “hygiene” pipped it to the post.)

My focus so far has been “Sleep Hygiene”. This was actually kicked off around New Year by my wife Sara, who decided she was wanted lights out by 22:30 from now on. Initially I chafed at this (but knew it would be a bad idea not to play along). Planning to go to bed so early has gradually affected the shape of the whole evening, so now:

  • I clean up the kitchen soon after dinner (instead of putting it off as long as I can). This makes the evening a single clear time.
  • I have forbidden work, or anything mentally taxing, after 21:00. This gives my mind time to wind down.
  • I have two regular “last thing” activities:
    1. I spend 15 minutes writing on my laptop. It’s kind of a journal but I have rules: I have to write fluidly without stopping to think; it has to be “about” something; it has to be positive. I have to touch-type (this is kind of a diversion mechanism, but it also means that I am getting a lot of typing practice).
    2. I spend 10-15 minutes reading poetry. Poetry is so different — almost like music. This underlines the day and puts my mind in a different state.

I’m impressed with myself how well I’ve stuck to this! Effects are already showing:

  • I seem to have a lot less time in the day! But I feel less rushed. That has led me to make efficiencies (e.g. prompt kitchen cleaning). The day is calmer.
  • Embracing, and thriving on, a constraint that chafed at first has been instructive. It has changed how I experience and respond to constraint. I am applying that pattern successfully to another area.
  • I am spending more time doing things with Sara — and she is driving this time (making the advances), which is a good sign in itself.

Next steps:

  • Actually getting to sleep is still a frustrating challenge, so I need to work on actively pursuing sleep rather than waiting for it to turn up.
  • I am regulary waking up before the alarm goes off (which is nice for Sara, who gets up an hour later). That is starting to open a bit of time for a short yoga session before breakfast.


I think I am lonely. This might be completely obvious to readers of the blog (and perhaps to people I meet IRL). It is only just dawning on me.

It feels like a cousin of boredom, a kind of boredom directed inwards. A restlessness, aimlessness, valuelessness inside. Possibly a result of outward boredom: finding nothing of value in the objects of my activity, that lack of value is reflected within. I don’t feel lonely when I’m not bored.

Except when I experience joy — inspiration, success, fulfilment, discovery — and want to share it. Outside of narrow domains (work colleagues will share relevant joys), there is nobody.

My wife is generally not interested in, or is even antagonistic to, many of the things that excite me. I have to think three times before sharing anything in that direction — and indeed I am always on the lookout for things I can and should share — that makes the whole exercise more instrumental and less spontaneous.

I think that loneliness is (at least partly) what drives me to porn. Pretty women smiling at me and welcoming me in the 1980s/90s “top-shelf” softcore images I’ve started browsing (nostalgia in there too of course). Women being bent to my will in the more modern hardcore videos I watch (all mainstream stuff I stress!). Loneliness brings yearning and self-pity and a confusion of darker emotions.

I think loneliness is (at least partly) behind my twitter “addiction”. Searching for a glimpse of a kindred spirit.

Realising this has reduced the tidal pull, although it hasn’t removed the urge completely.

So, what to do about it? What to do about it “as a Christian”?

Boredom and loneliness could easily be described as sins. As well as their superficial sinfulness (There’s plenty to be done! There are plenty of people to befriend!), boredom and loneliness — like shame — lead only to a weakening of the spirit. Indulging loneliness — with porn or social media — doesn’t cure it or lead anywhere. There’s a brief wave of superficial excitement — at best — then less than nothing.

Loneliness is not a “natural” response to … anything. Like shame: I shouldn’t succumb to shame, not because I haven’t done anything shameful — I have, but because Jesus loves and values me, and my sins are washed away in His love. [I should take Baptism more seriously.]

I don’t need to be lonely — even if I “have no friends” (not quite true) — because I have Jesus with me — and sometimes I do feel that. I can tell Jesus the exciting things I discover or read in prayer or in my diary.

Most of all I can learn to love myself and celebrate myself in the way that Jesus loves me. Jesus treasures me for a reason, and He wants to see me grow and thrive.

If I love myself, celebrate myself, enjoy myself — truly, in the way that Jesus loves me — then I thrive, become stronger, fuller of joy, and my love will be stronger, more joyful.

So I will cultivate this garden:

  • I have bought a new Moleskine. I’ll write down the Psalms & other Scriptures I’ve learnt & am learning (& other poems — Shakespeare, Hopkins, …). I’m writing down prayer commitments to cultivate an intentional prayer life too.
  • Love others by loving myself: do something every day that increases my power.
  • Love myself by loving others: serve well, acknowledge the gratitude, and offer it up to God (this morning: getting my 94-yr-old M-i-L into her pressure stockings after she didn’t trust the nurse).
  • Root out the weeds … [that stings like James 4:8b stings]
  • Recognise the weeds as weeds — attractive but draining and invasive. Yes, invasive.
  • Hopkins said immortal diamond. Invest in and treasure that gem which is my immortal soul.

Addiction and Revulsion


I am not repulsed by the object of my addiction. That might be an inconvenience but I don’t think it’s a problem.

I don’t think revulsion is helpful. The point is to look forward: find a way back to the right path and, while on the path, focus on the goal ahead.


I’m not entirely convinced that describing my bad habits as “addiction” is useful, but I did used to smoke cigarettes (most of the 1980s, sometimes quite heavily; haven’t smoked at all since mid 1990s). Smoking cigarettes is uncontroversially an addiction so that habit gives me a comparison.

Recovered or recovering addicts sometimes talk about feeling revulsion for the object of their addiction & how their craving overcomes their revulsion, or how they still indulge in the activities that revolt them.

I’ve never felt that revulsion. e.g. with cigarettes, I never stopped enjoying smoking. I did have several failed attempts at quitting.

Towards the end of an episode when I’ve over-indulged and I’m sated I feel some revulsion bu tI think that’s different. That’s like the revulsion we feel when we’re given another bowl of trifle when we’ve already had four.

I do feel revulsion at myself (mild with smoking, stronger with pr0n) when I relapse — but that revulsion is linked to my weakness of will (or my strength of will in the wrong direction). It’s not linked to the object/activity, which I enjoy.

Enjoying the fast

I have been fasting for just over a week now. Actually since midday Wednesday 20th March 2019. I want to write about it because it’s starting to waver and I need to give myself a bit of a boost. I am starting to waver I mean.


Fasting (from sin) is not just avoidance of certain activities but is a positive activity in itself. Success of the fast depends — as much as or perhaps more than it depends on will-power in resisting sin — in enjoying and even celebrating the fasting.

Part of that can be enjoying the feeling of exerting power over myself. Enjoying the feeling of my exerting power over my weaker sinful side. Loving and guiding power of course put power nonetheless. There’s a danger of Pride creeping in here, so I must identify the side of me exerting power — my true self if you like — with Christ and the Holy Spirit. The side of me that loves Christ, finds refuge in Christ’s love, draws inspiration from the Holy Spirit.

My weaker side is not really to be vanquished but loved and reconciled to Christ along with the rest of me. I went through a phase of thinking of sins and sinful desires as demons possessing me, but now I think I should “own” these desires myself. These sins are things I do, these sinful desires are desires I have. I must weaken these desires and replace them with more wholesome joyful desires.

Celebrating the fast can also include chronicling successes and failures here and on twitter. This might be tedious or cringe-inducing for the reader.

Inspiration for this section came from Stuart L. Tutt‘s posts:

the fast

For Lent (from 6th March) I was (and still am) on an easy (but still worthwhile) fast — no social media apart from what is necessary for work (my Christian social media use is exempt: it is lightweight and it earns its keep). It was (and still is) going well.

On 17th March I read Fasting for Spiritual Wellness by Sarah Geringer. The post is about fasting from sugar and it talks directly about cravings and how to tackle them during a fast. I found it inspiring and couldn’t help but think about my cravings — not my twitter-fast-related cravings, there weren’t any, my bad-habit-related cravings which are there all the time even when I’m not fasting.

I found Sarah’s post inspiring and, boosted by the success of my easy fast, I started thinking about a more ambitious fast from my remaining bad habits. By Tuesday 19th March I had made up my mind and the fast was on.

Actually, not quite. All this sustained attention on the issue led to a long binge Tuesday night and Wednesday morning (wife was away). So the fast really started after that.


Where is the gift in this failure (failure to write every day for a short month)? The gift is the opportunity to re-assess the purpose of this blog.

One morning walking through the park on the way to work I noticed the blossom on the trees, the first buds of blossom and leaf. The next day I saw the same trees out a little more. I love the spring, and I started crafting that day’s #write28days post. Then I decided (or realised) that I would rather share this pleasure with my wife. That was the beginning of the end for my #write28days attempt.

Nurturing my family (wife and son) and loving my wife is gradually taking centre place in my life. Gradually over the last few months as certain slow-moving external constraints have changed formation.

I do want (and need actually) to write more and to practice writing. At the same time, I want (and need actually) to spend less time in front of a screen interacting with software instead of ideas or people. (On the third hand I would like to improve my touch-typing, …)

Good things I can share with my wife I should share with her. Some things I can’t share with my wife (or won’t, … or not yet, … if ever, …) and some of those things I should share here.

What is the point of this blog?

What have I achieved? With the help of readers, …

  • I have completely exorcised one bad habit or demon (dressing up), and much weakened the others. I don’t think of them as part of me or of who I am.
  • I think of myself as a Christian (I have even said as much, and gone to services (ok one service) and prayed in public churches! — albeit far from home), and I am happy thinking of myself as a Christian and of Jesus as part of me.
  • I have read and studied and learnt a fair amount of Scripture — both on my own and in online groups — and I have developed the new habit of turning to Scripture and Christian writing for succour.
  • It’s presumptuous to say I’ve made friends, but I have met nice people who have been kind and instructive and often inspiring.
  • I am happier than I ever have been.

So, not bad. Prayers of thanks for the kindness of strangers.

What is the point of the blog now?

  • I don’t want to kill off this persona. Apart from anything else, online is the only Christian community I have (and I like it too).
  • There are things I might want to write about that my wife would probably not be interested in (e.g., I’m currently reading Job).
  • My remaining bad habits or demons … I have decided they are fading and I am fairly relaxed about letting them fade, billow and fade in their own time. I don’t think there’s much more for me to write about them here.


When I really want something, I pray. That must mean something.

And last night’s prayer was answered — my request granted — this morning.

Rather than promise to sacrifice the first thing that meets me when I get home from work, I promised to finish reading the Bible — so I shall start on Job tonight.


I have been on-site with a client for a week (hence the radio silence). Now I am back home. Compared to hotel life in the city, home has its annoyances and limitations (people talk to me; I have to wash up or cook or both). On the other hand I notice how much more relaxed I am here. Profoundly relaxed. And all the stress and exhaustion — and excitement — of the last week can unravel.

This refuge is a blessing, a mixed blessing, like many are, and a blessing that is difficult to rejoice in, but a blessing and a gift nonetheless.

In the roughness I see the opportunities to make smooth, to make the home stronger and more loving. Every failure is a reminder of Christ’s passion, and every success is a rainbow.


I’m going through one of my semi-regular bouts of insomnia. This is one seems especially bad & I’m now going to bed expecting to be (a) unable to get to sleep and (b) waking in the night & having to get up for a couple of hours. I’m trying to take action and last night I managed to sleep through.

Here are my “Dos and Don’ts” so far. More ideas welcome.

Early bedtime and bed-time is for sleep: at home, be in bed by 10:30 & lights out by 11:00 (DLW is very much an early turner inner — falls asleep almost immediately); away, bed by 11:00 lights out by 12.

Coffee only in the morning (preferably only at breakfast or work arrival) (I only drink coffee at breakfast when I’m away, staying at a hotel. At home I have a pot of tea, much nicer).

Every day achieve something — it can be a small thing, but by the evening I must sincerely believe I have achieved something. For better or for worse, household chores do not count with me as achievements — however delicious was the dinner or however far the ironing mountain has diminished. Best if that achievement can be clinched first thing in the morning, or as early as possible.

Every day go for a walk in the fresh air, and do some exercise (yoga is my exercise poison).

Temporary total ban on screen time after dinner. Reading and writing on paper only. Medium/long-term I want to relax this ban. I don’t think screen time per se is aggravating, I think it is the expectation of stimulation or interruption (another tweet to read, another alert arriving). Longer term it will be better to control the alerts, rather than concede that the alerts are controlling me.

Linked to that: Total (and long-term) ban on online surfing of any kind (my two weaknesses are Twitter and music). Approach Twitter mindfully as a news source (or source of inspiration for my Christian twitter account). Take it off my phone and have something else to read on the bus/train (a novel, a book of poetry, even a little pocket Bible I like and mean to write about one of these #write28 days). That surfing mindset is both enervating and unsettling. It’s not at all relaxing.

Most of all: going to sleep is an action. It is an activity and I should approach it consciously. Bring in breathing exercises and meditation from yoga. Pray to release the day and offer myself to God. Use Scripture as an anchor to return to when my mind starts wandering or racing — either a new passage or better an old favourite. I have worn smooth a passage from James 4 (7-10) that I used last night:

Submit yourself therefore to God
Resist the devil, and he will flee from you;
Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you;
Humble yourself before the Lord, and He will exalt you.


Travelling is not as exciting for me as it used to be — the organising and packing, the waiting on train platforms, airport lounges, traffic jams — but arriving is very exciting. It doesn’t really hit me until I’m out of the airport and on to the S-bahn. The adventure has begun.

The excitement is a kind of engagement. I am soaking up the language, the people, the food and drink. Exploring the city after dark (looking for somewhere to eat) and coming across church after church, large and small, intact, preserved, and in ruins. Enjoying interactions with the locals as we dance between German and English.

Engagement is a kind of dance, dance is a kind of harmony. I think of following Jesus as trying to bring myself into harmony with God. Until writing this today I had thought of harmony as static like a chord, a pair of strings that resonate together. But harmony can be dynamic and active. My every action can glorify the Lord. It’s a dance I dance with Jesus, as I bring my living into harmony with His.

Food, glorious food

I’m travelling and, due to timings, have skipped lunch, aiming for an early dinner. My tummy keeps reminding me through the afternoon as I work (no sabbath for the closet religious). By the time the hotel restaurant opens I am starving and almost deliriously fantasising about food. The menu is dreary but the cooking is competent (steak, sweet potato chips, winter greens, wine, whisky). Meanwhile, …

Posh venison fillet steak. Scorpion and duck soup. Duck tongues. Fish ‘n’ chips — searing hot gobbled down on a chilly sea front; my native food. Roast chicken + bottle of vodka ditto. Street food — roast chestnuts; nameless fish fresh from the river gutted beheaded fried and slapped into a bun. Junk food — went through a phase devoted to Big Macs (DLW does not approve). Making food — breads, stir-fries, all kinds of porridge and stew, ice cream. Sharing food — they’ve eaten it all! Huddled round a table at the sauna with sausages, vodka and beer. Growing food — hard hard potatoes with the most delicious flavour; powerful garlic; bright parsley; sweet bay plucked from the tree.

Celebrating creation, celebrating God’s treasures He has filled the world with for our nutrition and pleasure. I thank the generous Lord above for every potato, every fresh fish, every mound of dough softly rising.